Diary of a Hotshot Racer
by Sir Quetzalcoatl
Summary: Go into Captain Falcon's mind, and read the interesting and not so interesting thoughts that adorn his brain. Who are Mary and Sue? And why can't Falcon get that damnable Bounty Hunter out of his mind, when he makes it clear he doesn't like her?
1. Mummy!

**Chapter 1**

**Diary of a Hotshot Racer**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own SSBM.

**A/N**: I just decided to do something. So kill me. And my genius friend is with me too. That would explain the weird girly stuff she put in there.

**Dedication:** Er... Anybody who reads this?

* * *

**August 15th 2007**

**10:37 A.M.**

Mummy! I hate when she does that!

* * *

**10:38 A.M.**

Ehem... I forgot to introduce myself. Okay, well before you say anything at all (Wait you can't; you're a notebook, rah-rah! Creepy laugh...) I think you should know which famed hand is writing in here.

I am Captain Falcon. Feaaar meee.

* * *

**10:41 A.M.**

What? Why are you staring at me like that, you stupid diary!?

Er... Journal. Guys like me don't keep diaries. Diaries are for bratty little princesses like ohIdon'tknow... Princess Peach maybe? Or maybe Marth. Martha. Marth. Hah.

Hm... I wonder if Samus has a diary.

* * *

**10:42 A.M.**

It would be interesting to take a peek...

Not that I like Samus, thank you very much. She's really a dull spot on my life. And she always has that cold sneer that makes you think _Mummy!_

She only does that to me.

And Peach.

Why me?!

I mean, I could understand Peach. Peach is a brat. And those sneers never have that kind of effect on her. Which is odd enough.

But it's like she hates me or something.

Which is impossible. Very. Everybody loves Captain Falcon.

Right?

Don't answer that question!

Er... Not that a diar- I mean a journal like you could ever comprehend a question let alone answer it. Hah!

**10:47 A.M.**

She shot me another one of them looks! It must be her time of month or something.

Whatever that means. I always wondered what it meant when girls said, "It was their time of month."

I've had dozens of females say that, right after they threw their kitchen-ware at me. Hm... If that is the case then Samus is always on her time of month. I must make mental note of that.

Whatever that means.

* * *

**10:53 A.M.**

Diary.

I meant journal.

You aren't a diary. Let me say that five times.

You aren't a diary. You aren't a diary. You aren't a diary. You aren't a diary.

Almost like a mantra, really.

You aren't a diary.

Great. I'm talking to a damn _book_. Given to me on my last years birthday.

That I'm writing in now, because I have nothing else to do.

Need sugar.

No, not that accursed Splenda.

_ Real_ sugar. 

I'm running rather low on it.

* * *

**11:03 A.M.  
Bedroom**

Er... Just decided to nick some sugar from the sugar bowl.

Ran into Samus. Good souls, that woman is everywhere I go. It's like she's stalking me and not the other way around!

Disregard that last statement, or else I'll rip you to shreds. I don't stalk that God-awful woman. Why would anybody want to stalk that stupid woman? I would rather hang around Game and Watch, and he's depressing enough. Why else is his signature costume black, I ask you? Huh? Huh? Anyway, the point is, why would anybody want to be with her?

Especially one that glares at you?

And then accuses you of staring at her breasts?

I honestly don't know where she gets her ideas from. I mean, it's so hard not to just take a glance. And that's all I did really. Just glance at them. For a couple of seconds.

Fine, for a minute or two.

But it's her fault for growing them so big that they just... Stare at you! Yeah. It's like they want you to engage into a conversation.

Which I did. You know?

I think I should just shut up and not talk about this, and mope around. It would make my humiliation even worse.

Unless of course, you tempt me with chocolate.

* * *

**11:05 A.M.**

Don't look at me like that, diary! I won't tell you. And when I say something, I do it! So go away! Or get me chocolate!

* * *

**11:06 A.M.**

Er. Journal.

That's what I meant to say, really.

* * *

**11:21 A.M.**

Oh alright. Fine, I'll tell you the whole stupid, stupid, tale.

So there I was, being innocently unaware that Mary and Sue were just around the corner. Er. I mean Samus. I had just returned from the sugar bowl, and after yelling at that _ridiculous_ rat for tripping me (Honestly, how that stupid rat got into the tournament is beyond me. I suppose he charmed his way in. Nobody can resist that damn look. He should get arrested for it...) I ran - Er stumbled, really - into that detestable woman!

Did I mention Samus feels like a rock? Well, except for her chest. That part was rather soft-like...Which is really the only way to know if Samus is indeed a female.

And then Mary - Um... I meant one of her breasts - was just staring at me! What could I do, but stare back? And then I swear it _cooed_ at me! It _wanted_ me to touch it!

"Falcon! What the hell are you doing, you pitiable excuse for dung beetle?" Samus says it like it's a crime just to look!

Of course, I wasn't paying attention because right when she said it, Sue twitched!

Er... Her other breast.

Of course, this resulted in Zelda coming in to see what all the ruckus was about. Sticks and stones, I don't even _know_ what Link finds in that girl!

"Samus, your orbs that you see through look like they have a fiery inferno of anger in them. They are not the pretty moonlit green ones that I always gaze at every morning and wonder about their beauty!"

Er... Right. That's Zelda for you. She can be such a sleaze-ball at times... I really do pity Sheik for sharing her body. He must be so embarrassed, considering he'''s such a cool cat to talk to.

Who says _cool cat_ nowadays anyway, diary?! I ask you that! That was Sheik's term for it, I swear, diary!

Er. Journal. Whatever.

"I'm fine," Samus said rather stiffly. She was actually twitching, dia- Journal! She also mumbled something rather nasty under her breath.

Hah! I laugh in her face!

"But your orbs for seeing do not look it. In fact, now they look as if they do not want to be here. Why is that, Samus Aran?"

I swear that woman (Zelda, not Samus) is the bane of my existence.

This is why men are so insane here. Because the woman are just, really bad. I mean, Peach is good for snogging (I should know, I've tried, diary! She's like magic! Those things she can do with her tongue...) but then you have to listen to all her problems afterward, which will take the whole day. Besides that, she's just... Not good for your brain. Not at all. I swear I've dropped a couple of IQ points because I listened to her.

Sometimes I wonder how I ever agreed to join this stupid tournament.

* * *

**a/n: Review. Or I'll give you cold feet. **


	2. Of Evil Glares and Betting

**Disclaimer: **I really don't own SSBM, or Captain Falcon. But you _have_ to love the guy and just what goes on and you know what? Just read this pitiable excuse for a story so I can go on with my dull life. Thanks.

**Commons Room**

**9:55 P.M.**

Diary. I'm tired. I'm so tired that I just want to- (pen marks here to indicate writer has dropped pen in a fit of shock)

**Bedroom**

**10:30 P.M.**

I am perfectly sane. Calm down Falcon. Calm down. You are still the same lovable, sexy Falcon. Better than Marth, Roy or Link! I sneer at them for showing off their stupid swordsmen skills. Thinking they're the best! Well they obviously don't know that Bounty Hunters and racers are more popular than those bleeding swordsmen!

Yes. I have just caught myself in the mirror. Still looking stunning and noble, Falcon! Just _what_ do I do to maintain these killer looks? Hah, I laugh in the face of James Bond! I could do a much better impression than him, diary!

Journal. Ehem. Yes. You're a journal.

Er… Aside from that. Oh wait.

**10:33 P.M.**

Argh. My face.

It's pale. Well obviously, with what just happened… And yes, I know. I went off topic. I did that to lead you off so you wouldn't inquire about the incident I just so happened to witness. I'm so smart!

Damn it. I just reminded you didn't I?

Alright give me a moment to clear my brain.

**10:34 P.M.**

So. I think I owe you an explanation, Diary. I meant Journal. Why exactly I'm capitalizing the "J" in Journal is beyond me. Or the "D" in Diary. It's like you're somebody real. Which you aren't. Are you?

…

Fine! Don't answer! You just want to give me the benefit of the doubt! Well, bah to you! I don't have to tell you what just happened. I don't even need to listen to you! I can ignore you, and then you'd have nobody!

So starting from now, I'm avoiding you!

**10:37 P.M.**

Oh, stop _looking_ at me like that!

**10:40 P.M.**

Ohh my poor journal! I didn't mean to desert you! Did you eat? Tell me, are you alright? Did anything happen? I'm so sorry! I'll make it up to you! I'll buy you little unicorn stickers to stick onto your front and little rainbow ones on the back! Am still trying to figure out how this will be of your benefit, unless they're sparkly and pretty.

I'm sorry.

**10:42 P.M.**

Right. Well. I suppose you'll be wanting to know what happened. I knew I couldn't hold it off for much longer. Though I consider twelve minutes to be pretty god-like. I bet Samus couldn't do it, in all her Mary and Sue glory!

I meant… Well… Whatever!

Well _alright_. I guess I owe you something. After what I just did to you.

Well… I was innocently minding my own business, writing in you as you already know. There were only a couple people in the room. Marth (Martha, haha. Al_right!_ Fine! I'll shut up about the metrosexual!), Roy (Must ask how he does his hair in the morning), Dr. Mario, Falco and Samus.

Yes, you heard right. Samus. I told you, diary, she seems to be… stalking me! Never mind how we live in the same Mansion, and that there are only 25 of us and the Commons Room is the most popular hang out spot in the Mansion! She's stalking me. I am firmly convinced of it.

So the ignorant woman yawns and says, "Time to hit bed." stretching in such a way you'd think that she wanted to impress somebody (Me, no doubt Diary!). Must ask my next date to do this next time… Er I mean… Must concentrate on story!

"Night Samus," Dr. Mario and Roy both chorus. As if they really care. They don't, and I should know…

And Falco _really_ didn't care. He was just flipping through some swimsuit edition with all these gorgeous blondes… I think I must've went out with one of them before. Can't quite remember.

And then Marth. I _hate_ that guy. I don't know why people _like_ him so much! He's just an overrated swordsman that everybody coos over because of his hair! It's safe to say that he's undoubtedly the most boring person to strike up a conversation with. And trust me, I should know because I shared a room with him last year. Thank _goodness_ I'm sharing with Roy this year.

Really, if you've ever went to a bathroom Marth has been in you'd find the medicine cabinet full of face cream, and lotion and other good smelling yet freakishly feminine stuff. And if you looked in the shower, every space is filled with shampoo and body wash except for one tiny space where you're supposed to stand. Not only that, Diary, but he seems to use each and every one of those bottles every single time he showers! It's insane. It's worse than Peach, and Zelda having a fit over shoe sales. And that's bad enough. They're like a pack of hyenas.

I never had a decent bath that whole year because I wasn't allowed to use his stuff (Once I did, and let's not talk about what happened next, okay?)

Well, anyway, she's just about to leave the room, when Marth, that inexcusable idiot, says very loudly, "Captain Falcon! Is that a diary?!"

And just before I can stow it away, the bloody idiot snatches it away from me!

Me: (in dashing, sexy, yet in a commanding bark kind of way, all while stumbling.) Give it here, Lowell!

Marth: (Flipping through pages) What's this? Who are Mary and Sue?

Me: (Turning red at this point) I don't know! Give it back! (Stroke of brilliance here, as light bulb pops up over sexy self) They're my girlfriends!

Samus: (Stops walking right in front of door and turns around sneering) Your girlfriends?

Me: (coolly as possible) Yes, my girlfriends. (deep voice) Are you jealous, Aran?

Samus: (snapping) Yeah, sure! Me? Jealous of you! I honestly don't know where you get your ideas from, Falcon!

Me: (successfully snatching diary away from unhelpful Marth who somehow ended up on the floor, in fetal position) Sam, you should know. Nobody can _ever_ resist the charm of the Falcon. One day you'll find yourself in my bed… er good company. (smirks a little here to cover up horrible mistake)

Samus: (hard glare) Keep dreaming, Falcon, and someday, maybe _someday_ you'll be able to catch a real fish! And don't you dare call me _Sam_.

Me: (completely confused, yet still looking good, Diary!) I've caught many fish, thank you very much!

Samus: (sneers, and turns away, unaware the door is closed, slams into it. Regains posture, opens door and very swiftly exits room)

And then, if you would believe, there was a long silence here before Dr. Mario says in his doctor, professional way, "I'm-a willing to bet $50 that-a Samus and you will make a good-a couple."

Really, I don't know where they get their thoughts from. I think Dr. Mario has been watching too much television.

And then Roy, that little traitor! He takes up Dr. Mario up on the offer and says, "They'll probably get together by the end of the year."

Roy! I thought he was my best friend!

"No, they'll probably shag by the end of March."

_That_ one came from Falco. And I always thought he was my friend too!

And they were just arguing about me and Samus. And then if you'll believe, Marth (from his fetal position) is glaring at _me_ as if I committed a sin!

He's after me, Diary. I know it. He is going to kill me. That glare… It was just… _so_ evil.

Shudder.

**11:21 P.M.**

GAH! YOU'RE A FRIGGIN' JOURNAL!!

**11:22 P.M.**

Back on topic… That Marth! I need to do something about him. Before… Uh oh! Tap on my door. Must hide you!

**11:57 P.M.**

Just Roy. But he's in the bathroom. I wouldn't want him to take a peek at you. That would be undoubtedly terrible. I mean, Roy is a pretty cool dude, but if he _ever_ finds anything blackmail-esque - Like you Diary - He'd use it against the person.

So I'm going to be hiding you from everybody.

…

Don't give me that look! It's for your own good!

Ugh… It's not like you care. You don't even know what I'm saying. You're a _JOURNAL_ for goodness sakes!

Is that the bathroom door?

Uh oh.

Here he comes. Must hide!


	3. Therapy Sessions

**December 9****th**** 2007**

**10:33 P.M.**

WTF!!!!

…Ah yes. Excuse me for a moment while I blow the dust off your cover. It has been awhile.

**10:42 P.M.**

Well, you must be wondering why I neglected you. Well, here is a whole list Journal (I have finally mastered the art of saying Journal instead of Diary, dear Diary! …Dammit. I said it again, didn't I?) I'm good at making lists, I hope.

Roy

The 3rd degree burns caused by Bowser and Mario

Samus (Funny how her name always appears in you, Journal. Don't get the wrong idea though!)

Therapy sessions with DK

Let's start off with Roy.

Roy has been acting a little suspicious lately. He's been opening the door to our room at random as though expecting me to do something out of the ordinary. So I haven't had the chance to write in you for fear that that pyromaniac idiot will open the door. Why he's been acting odd, I have no idea. But he's had way too much time on his hands.

The second on the list… Wait, let me consult the list again.

**10:50 P.M.**

Yes, the third degree burns caused by Bowser. Unfortunately Bowser and Mario hold a grudge against each other. Now, here's what happened.

So Bowser has a grudge on Mario, whose dating Peach, whose a bimbo and will make out with anything that commands her to do so. Now, Bowser lost to Mario at a game of cards, and couldn't pay the cash he bet, so he accused Mario of cheating, but Mario whose a noble hero denied the accusations. Bowser didn't have the cash, so Mario got mad and dissed him in public. Bowser got angry and vowed to get revenge. MEANWHILE, I cornered Peach, and somehow we were making out. Bowser doesn't have good eyesight, so when he found Peach and me making out, he flamed me. Badly. Mario came in among the commotion, and upon realizing what happened, got angry, broke up with Peach and fireballed me as well.

I was burned, Peach was drooling, and Samus happened to stumble in the scene. I swear, that girl happens to have an excellent sense of appearing when she shouldn't.

…

Oh wait. Hold on.

**11:00 P.M.**

Sorry. Roy.

Anyway, Samus sneered at me, before realizing that I was burning, and in agony. The woman tries asking Peach what happened, which isn't a smart move on Samus's part because Peach answers, "What do you mean, what happened?"

"I mean, why is Falcon burned?" says a very irate Samus.

"Oh…" Peach frowns which means she's using her brain. It's hard to access, if you rarely use it. After five seconds she says, "I'm not sure. But I think Bowser had something to do with it."

Samus manages to get me to the hospital wing, where I do recover, thank heavens.

_Now_ comes the DK Therapy sessions.

Basically the reason why I'm spending an HOUR with DK is because… Well… I really don't know actually. That's strange. It just appeared on my schedule.

**12:00 A.M.**

Does DK even _know_ what a therapist is?

**12:03 A.M.**

Probably not.

**December 10****th****, 2007**

**12:00 P.M.**

Am now waiting for DK to arrive. I'm actually really anxious about this meeting. My hands are sweaty.

Dammit. The pen just slipped from my fingers!

**12:04 P.M.**

Where is that stupid monkey?!

**1:14 P.M.**

**Ugh.** I have never been so humiliated. Scarcely right after I wrote those words, I hear DK say, "Is that a diary, Falcon?" I literally stumbled over and hit the floor!

Basically this was our conversation. I managed to filch the tape that DK used to record our session together.

**Me**: (Slams book shut)

**DK**: You know, diaries are good way of keeping memories.

**Me**: It's not a diary! It's a journal!

**DK**: …Okay. (awkward silence) Well then, Captain Falcon, why don't you take a seat?

**Me**: I _am_ sitting. (Is sprawled out on the floor)

**DK**: (pause) Well, if you prefer to remain seated on the floor, rather than on the chair…

**Me**: (flushing darkly, gets up and sits on chair)

**DK**: So… Do you know why you're here? (Takes bite out of banana)

**Me**: Uh… No?

**DK**: (freezes, about to take bite out of banana) Really? You don't know?

**Me**: No.

**DK**: I see. (pauses) So what's on your mind now?

**Me**: Nothing. (Getting slightly irritated)

**DK**: You know, if you don't open up to me, you'll just stay here longer.

**Me**: (getting more irritated at the fact that the conversation is going nowhere).

**DK**: You can say anything you like.

**Me**: (trying very hard not to look at little curl on DK's head)

**DK**: Anytime now, Captain Falcon, anytime now.

**Me**: (losing it) Oh yeah? Okay, I have a question for you DK. Why the hell do you have a stupid banana split bowl haircut? It makes you look stupid, did you know? Every time I look at it I feel like ripping it off. Why don't you wear something that makes you look less pathetic?! Huh?! Huh?!

(Pikachu barges in the room at this point)

**Pikachu**: Pika… Pikachu? Pika? Chu? Pika pika? (Backs out of the room slowly)

**DK**: Pikachu! Wait. We were just finishing up. You can come in now. (shoots me a dirty glare that means that our meeting is evidently over) Good-bye Falcon.

What the hell? Okay, diary, do you see something wrong with this picture? I see several things. First of all, therapists are supposed to make you feel calm or something. They aren't supposed to pressure you! Which is what DK was clearly doing!

Secondly, how dare that little rodent interrupt our session? What the heck?

Thirdly, How does DK even _understand_ Pokemon? I learn something new every single day…!

Fourthly, why _did_ Pikachu come in? I wanted to know the answer to that question, as DK shooed me off.

Maybe he and DK are plotting to take over the world. That Pikachu may seem innocent, but he's pure evil, I tell you. He gives you little cute eyes, and squeals in delight when you hug him, but when you turn your back on him, he will kill you. I'm keeping my eye on him. Yeah. I will. He'd better watch his back.

**1:30 P.M.**

I just finished telling my theory on Pikachu to Roy. He doesn't agree with me.

**Roy**: Uh, are you on crack?

**Me**: (Avoiding question suavely) What kind of a question is that?! We're on a topic that could lead to mass murder and destruction! (hyperventilating… still suavely)

**Roy**: (trying to act calm) Pikachu is just a cute little mouse, Falcon…

**Me**: (cutting in) That can electrocute people to death!

**Roy**: (continuing, as though I never said anything) He's not trying to get rid of the world.

**Me**: Yes he is! (Lowers voice confidentially) Why else did he interrupt my therapy session with DK? Very fishy. (Shifts eyes to make sure nobody's eavesdropping)

**Roy**: (rolling eyes) Maybe Pikachu had therapy sessions with DK, Falcon. Honestly… (suddenly gets suspicious) Wait a second, you have therapy sessions with DK?!

**Me**: Uhh… (gets brilliant idea, and points behind him) Oh look! A shiny, sharp object!

**Roy**: (whirling around excitedly) Where?!

**Me**: (bolts for door)

And _that_, dear Diary is how I managed to escape _that_ question. Because if Roy figures out that I _don't_ know the reason why I have therapy sessions with DK, he's going to think of me as an utterly stupid person.

Which I'm not.

**1:35 P.M.**

Don't give me that look!


End file.
